You come to a point in life when you realize that life is not always fair. Bad things happen to good people, and unfortunately, bad people can get away with awful behavior. You hope that there will be accountability and justice, and sometimes there is, and other times, not. (Or maybe, not yet…)
Upon realizing this reality, we humans have to figure out how to function in a world that may not be fair. Of course, one could always choose to remain bitter and angry – and that may feel good and justified for a while, but you also may figure out that those emotions can eat you alive.
When I feel particularly beset by the unfairness, one approach to finding a way through is to remember others who have endured much worse but left a legacy that lasts beyond their time.
In Spite of Everything
I think of Anne Frank, who we will all agree, did not deserve her tragic fate. As a Jewish family, the Frank family hid in an attic before she and her family were discovered and deported to Bergen-Belsen concentration camp. Anne and her sister Margot died in 1945, exhausted and sick. Anne was 16. Only her father, Otto, survived the Holocaust.
I think about Anne a lot. I wonder how she could have written these words in her diary:
“It’s really a wonder that I haven’t dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.”
Anne never saw the end of the war. She never saw Germany defeated or justice done at the Nuremberg trials. She never knew that Adolph Hitler took his own life. And yet, this young woman of hope is alive for so many of us today. She helps me remember:
“Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy.”
And then I take a walk and make sure to notice the beauty all around. It helps me keep going.
The Arc That Bends Toward Justice
Another perspective that helps me in times when justice is out of reach is this:
“The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.”
This idea, which many notables have repeated, reminds me that justice may take time, but there is a forward, albeit sometimes slow, march toward the truth.
Martin Luther King quoted this sentence in his 1958 article (although it is actually traced to the Unitarian minister Theodore Parker.) It resonates with my own life experience that the truth eventually gets revealed, and the timing is beyond my control.
On That Day… Life Will Be Fair…
Finally, when I feel impatient and perhaps a bit hopeless about the unfairness of it all, I think of my deep belief that is encapsulated in both the Aleinu prayer and a Matisyahu song. I’m basically a hopeful person, by temperament, and I have faith that justice and peace is possible and worth fighting for.
Aleinu is a Jewish prayer we say at the end of daily prayer services. It ends with this verse:
Bayom hahu yiheyeh adonai echad u’shemo echad
“On that day, God will be One and the world will be one.” — Which to me has always signified the dream of unity and peace and justice – One day – and it is worth it to fight for it.
And Matisiyahu’s song – One Day (which I don’t believe he connected to Aleinu) – when he says, also as a hope:
Sometimes in my tears I drown
But I never let it get me down
So when negativity surrounds
I know some day it’ll all turn around
Because
All my life I’ve been waiting for
I’ve been praying for
For the people to say
That we don’t wanna fight no more
They’ll be no more wars
And our children will play
One day (one day), One day (one day)
So yes, life is not always fair. We need to take action, stand up and speak out – and then, eventually, not everything is in our control.
What IS in our control, always, as Anne Frank teaches, is how we think, and what attitude we carry even when things are totally falling apart.
I would love to hear what you do or think about when life is not fair.
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Jill, thank you so much for this. My two year old great grandson was murdered last year by his father and, as you can imagine it has been a sad time for my family. That on top of some chronic health issues and the terrible mess in Washington, DC has me in a place I have never been in my life. I have always been the positive, glass is half full type and the person others go to for advise. Your words and message were comforting to me. Not being of your faith, but as a liberal-global thinker, it makes me believe we are all part of this big planet and have the same need to believe.
Dear Jan, I am so very sorry to hear of your dreadful unspeakable loss. I hope (and believe) that your glass half-full way of being will find room to emerge once again, in time, and with better days upon all of us. Many blessings to you. Thank you for honoring us with your presence and story.
Rabbi Jill thank you for posting this as I am going through some very difficult times right now. My husband’s parents were Holocaust survivors. He was not treated well and has had a poor self esteem throughout his life. I have had to constantly try to help him find self worth. But now he struggles with dementia and is struggling to cope. Some days it gets me really down. I have always been a very positive, hopeful person. But his illness and inability to cope some days has really affected me. I have always tried to
Look to tomorrow and hope for a better day. Your article has given me perspective and light to lead me ahead. Thank you for reminding me of dearest Anne Frank and all that had suffered so horribly. It makes me thankful!
Shabbat Shalom!
Dear Marge – also, please take time for you – to nourish your own soul and get some space for whatever gives you joy. May you walk through this difficult time with as much ease as possible. Everything changes – everything — the good and the bad never last forever – hang in there. Many many blessings to you and Shabbat Shalom to you Hugs
Stumbling across you on Twitter and finding my way to your blog was serendipity. There’s been a lot of that in my life lately and without it I would be drowning in my tears. I just read an email from a very dear friend who was struggling with this question. Her niece has a five month old baby that needs round the clock care. The woman’s faith is keeping her going. I, myself, am in a situation very similar to the comment above. My husband, abused in childhood is a wonderful man. But we have had 37 very difficult years together. Through the years of battling PTSD, low self-esteem and each other we managed to keep hanging on. In the last decade we both grew by leaps and bounds and were finding our way to a healthier and happier union. Then, six months ago he was diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disease with no known cause or cure. The muscles in his legs and arms are atrophying and there is much fatigue. He had to retire which has left us in a precarious financial position. So this topic is on my mind. Before his illness came to light I was beginning to understand that our happiness is dependent on the thoughts we think and how we frame our lives. I was learning to stop the flow of self-deprecating and fear-based thoughts. I was moving into a new lane that felt good and right and true. Now, I believe this glimpse of right-minded living was a gift, for I am now determined to find joy no matter what my difficulties. For we will never eliminate pain and suffering, but we can choose to look to the light of all that is good and focus our eyes on it. Thank you for your words.
Dorothy! My dear Twitter friend. What a beautiful attitude you have and I am sure the gift you received (the glimpse of right-minded living) will serve as strength for you as you navigate this path. What a serendipitous thing, too, that you commented right after Marge above – so please know you are not alone. I love being connected to you on Twitter and I’m sending you love and light. Sometimes, we need either other to help us to remember to look for that light. Blessings — XO
Yes, there is still beauty all around. Even if sometimes we have to make our own. I turn to creating art when life seems unfair. And I’m happiest when I’m making art that will help others, so I frequently donate work to good causes. I get absorbed in the engineering of the piece and try to use all my senses at once in order to drown out the chaos of the world. I also find myself praying a lot. When I ask for guidance I seem to get answers.
Dear Nina, Art is so very healing!! Just yesterday I was drawing on my ipad 🙂 and it filled me with happiness. I think we are born to create. How lovely that you donate your work! Thank you so much for writing — blessings to you as you continue to fill the world with beauty. Rabbi Jill
Hello Rabbi Jill,
I, too, fortunately stumbled upon you on Twitter. We have tweeted to one another a few times (I’m lieztche/Animal_Lover on Twitter), and I always look forward to seeing you there.
In any case, I also subscribed to your newsletter, and though I don’t read it every time, the ones I do read are fantastic. This one really hit home with me today. I am not Jewish, but i am Protestant. I was also a high school English teacher for 20 years (and also an avid reader outside of education), and have read many Holocaust stories. But being reminded of Anne Frank, her struggle, her optimism through it all—-what can I say but how humbled I am by being reminded of her suffering and how gracefully she handled all of it.
We all have our own problems: some of mine are that I’m 45 and can no longer be a teacher because the stress that this profession has taken on my body has led to chronic illness and pain. I think I’ve had 5 surgeries at this point on my shoulder, neck, and back, and I am due for another one this year to replace another disc in my back. I feel like I’ll be taking pain meds for the rest of my life! I also need to find a new job that pays as much as my teaching job and has full benefits, because my husband, who is 14 years older than me, will be retiring in a year or two, and I will not be covered by his benefits. Since my college degree is in English literature, and I live in Central California, where jobs are VERY limited in this field, I don’t know what I’m going to do. Going back to school is not really a viable option, either, because I already owe TONS on money in student loans that I’ve barely begun to pay back. Because of all this, my normally ebullient personality has changed—I hardly leave the house now, and I only communicate with most friends & family via text when they contact me first.
Sorry, I don’t mean to ramble on about my problems. But the things in each of our lives make up our worlds, and this is my reality. However, I am so grateful to have someone like you, even if only online, who can offer guidance, optimism, and a bit of hope. I would love to visit your synagogue or meet you sometime when I’m in SoCal. I have a couple of doctors in LA, so we go down every other month or so.
In any case, thank you for all that you are, all that you do for everyone, and just for being you. You are truly a great shepherd.
Sincerely,
Elizabeth
Dear Elizabeth, Thank you for sharing your story. You wouldn’t believe how similar your story is to so many others that I know. I fear that the “great economy” is a lie for most of us and yet the more it gets repeated, those that struggle feel erased. I hear you. I send you strength as you figure out your next steps and I hope your life is blessed beyond measure. Thank you again for being in touch. Your words mean a lot to me. Hugs. Rabbi Jill
Your inspirational words, What to Do When Life Is Not Fair,” is timely. It is just what I need at this moment in time. Unfortunately, I am not able to share any details with you at this time, as the enemy hacked my technologies–laptop and cell phones, 4 years ago, and they remain compromised. They read all of my incoming and outgoing documents, emails, text messages, etc. They have violated my human rights, civil rights, and civil liberties for four years now. I am in the process of seeking help from the United States Congress. Local police are behind the hate activity I am experiencing, so Congress is my last greatest hope. Thank you again, Rabbi Jill, for your inspirational message.
Sending love & May you have strength Elizabeth.